*Warning*  This is not a warm, fluffy, let’s have fun post.  If you are looking for one, please come back at the end of the week when I hope to be back in form.
Today, actually yesterday, as it is now after midnight, was a strange one.  I do not do well with change but change is in the air.
Isabella, once again, put The Girl’s cell phone in the toilet destroying it.  As The Girl is in the process of job searching this was not good timing so I made my daughter promise to keep my phone in a safe place and let her use it.  Turns out that my being without cell phone was a good thing.  More on that later.
I arrived at my friend’s hospice room at an inner city hospital around 12:45 PM and was there until around 6:30 PM.  This gave her husband a chance to go home and shower and tinker around the house knowing that their 27 year old daughter, who is now old enough to be my friend as well, would have company in his absence as she stood vigil at her mom’s bedside.  My friend, L., recognized me before she was pain medicated so much that she fell into a deep sleep.
Spending time in this way is not terribly difficult for me.  I have no idea why this is true but it is.  I am blessed by being allowed by the family to be there.  Death does not frighten me.  Life lived foolishly does, though.
When I finally got home, I had about forty minutes before I was expected at a meeting.  Walking in the door I was greeted by my daughter who was in hysterics because Isabella’s father had, well, let’s just say he helped her to get into hysterics and she is moving back in with us until she can get back on her feet.
Jumping back to paragraph one of this entry, I don’t deal well with change.  As dysfunctional as my home is, there is still a rhythm to the madness.  Having my grown daughter and hyper granddaughter move into my humble abode is already disrupting the rhythm.  (As much as I love them both, distance does make the heart grow fonder.)
As mentioned in paragraph II, being without my cell phone kept me from having to deal with the soap opera that was being played out here between my daughter, Bells’ father, Himself and The Boy.  Thank God!
By the time I went to my meeting, which is a women’s group from church which is beyond supportive – a very safe place to be, I was ready for some peace.  Nope.  This meeting was one where people who were hurting were ministered to.  Although we have a written agenda, we go as the Spirit leads and anyone who needs prayer is prayed with immediately.  Out of our two hours together at least three quarters was spent that way.
Do you know that being in that hospital room made more sense to me than being at home or at that meeting?  The pain expressed and ministered to at the meeting made me cry as I haven’t cried for L. or for my family.  Coming home was so very difficult and all I wanted to do was go to bed and be left alone.  However, sleep eludes me and here I sit trying to work out the strangeness and the emotions of this strange day. 
Pain is a part of life.  Seeing a loved one dying is part of the circle of life. 
Watching the foolishness of two intelligent young people who have made stupid decisions trying to make things change by making the same stupid decisions over and over again is a waste. 
Being in a meeting with hurting people helping one another in love is unusual and cathartic.  It brought to the surface my frustrations and hurts and questions I had/have for God.  Being loved and cared for by women who love me, warts and all, is life transforming.
Ya’ll don’t really know me well.  I work hard at filtering my words and reactions both here and in person but real life doesn’t have a delete key!  Suffering from "foot in mouth" disease has been a problem all my life even though it has gotten better as I have grown in faith.  Still, these women accept me as I am and cheer me on in all I do, well, it doesn’t get much better this side of glory.  I wish for all of you to have this kind of acceptance and love.
Phew!  Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.  If you feel like praying I sure wouldn’t mind a few words sent heavenward for me and mine and for L. and her family.
bless you all, gail

14 responses to “Hello/Goodbye

  1. Praying as soon as I finish this Gail. You are a Women who I understand . Enough said . Love You Gail.
     and I smilie at you. I just wish I could reach out and hug you as well.
    Lisa xo , Canada sound Good ? 🙂

  2. I hear the pain beneath your words.. and I know you are similar to me in some ways.. so I know all these things in your world cause you physical pain, as well as emotional. I’ll lift you up, and pray protection around you.. Speak your mind, and the word of God into these situations. And be sure to let Him minister His Grace to you, so you can spread it around.
    love and big, soft, enveloping hugs,

  3. oh gail, sending you my hugs and understanding too, there is much in this post, and I sense you do need to release your pain, sometimes when we cry it is not just the thing we are witnessing at that time, that are the reason for the tears.  I know too, that as much as I love my children and grandchildren, like you, I sometimes need to draw aside in my own space and rest. will say no more but prayer and thoughts are with you now. hugs – nita.

  4. May the God of all comfort hold you close. 
    May you lie at the feet of the Good Shepherd and know He stands guard over you.

  5. I’m thinking good thoughts for you, G!
    Remember that sometimes prayer needs to be supplemented with cheesecake.
    Take care of yourself.

  6. So-called "logical" thinking persons are oft the most illogical of the lot.  You are correct, I can’t feel the emotions of a mother, grandmother, or any woman for that matter.  But I do completely understand why you find more comfort with your very sick loved one in the hospital.  Compassion not only brings tears of grief, it brings just as much comfort to those of us who shed tears for others….and ourselves.  When, and if, the time comes, you will put your foot down to all the nonsense that surrounds you at this moment in time.  We are taught to turn the other cheek, but that does not mean we should stand and be beaten silly.  You have this man’s respect.  Whether you actually believe that is not my objective.  Fellowship (friendships in moral context) is the only reason I frequent this MSN place.  You have a fine tuned filter within you Gail.  Use it as the buffer between malice and the grace by which you are given these roller coaster emotions. "Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ."  (2 Corinthians 2:14 KJV)  Our Lord and Savior lost his human temper when He witnessed the desecration of the Holy Temple by money changers, sellers of doves, and all manner of secular disrespect for the most "Holy" temple.  Are we expected to have less restraint?  Yes, but we are frail and fall woefully short on many more occasions.  REF:  The book of Job. 
    Excuse my bluntness, but a swift kick in the backside is just what some repeating offenders need.  Yes, you remain in my prayers.  And yes, you have every need to vent.

  7. You know I am walking there with you, Sister~ I’m so glad you have a place of comfort & exceptance in the chaos that is "real life".
    Praying peace & blessings over each of your lives…& a great big (((hug)))

  8. Dear Gail, My heart goes out to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Love is a wonderful thing but it can also be very painful at times. A few years back I had one of my adult sons move back home for a couple of years so he could get his life strightened out. I was difficult for all of us but today he is on his own living a productive life. I almost lost him and he needed a place where he felt safe as he went through deep depression. He got the help he needed, went back to school and is now living a full and productive life with meaning, and enjoying life. I to have suffered many losses and it was Jesus that seen me though and brought stability to my life through it all. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I pray God will give you grace and strengh and Peace of mind , heart and soul, beyond understanding.I will hold you up in prayer and your friend and her daughter and husband and your family as well. You are not alone you have many people who love you and care about you and what is happening in your life. 

  9. I hit the wrong button before I was finished. Oh well please  overlook my spelling mistakes. Here is a big hug for you. 🙂 Dianne

  10. hi G, everything’s good…just busy. I feel like I have hardly spce to breath and relax. that’s how it is in a home wit young kids..plus the increased working hours I now have. Anyway, yeah, just managed to post a blog entry today.
    Just read your post…so now Bells and her mum are back with you again? ahhh…G, at least your daughter leans to you in times of trouble. I know it isn’t easy….as you said, absence makes the heart grow fonder. 
    I recently found that out…with a certain relative. Will mention if we meet on MSN.
    but praying for you G…
    take good care and God bless! Oh yeah, Jodie turned 3 yesterday. 🙂 I didn’t put it on my blog. but she was so excited, getting to blow her own candles and opening presents.haha…twas fun.
    Take care G!

  11. The Canadian vacation sounds like just the ticket, but it is sad that we are required a passport these days.  You know me.  I could really growl about what brought this on, but I’ve chosen a peaceful approach with this comment.  Bells, aka "destructo," is a innocent victim herself…at least I try to think she is…grin.  Don’t change the locks, Rev up rocker girl Gail of younger days.  Sing around the intrusive quests off tune, loud at all times, and buy some fake eye contacts that give your eyes a crazed glassy look…..sly grin now!  Better idea…tell them you’ve heard wonderful things about gypsy life and you are considering the fine art of knife throwing.  Reverse psychology does have it’s place in desperate times ‘ya’ know.
    Patty has not given up blogging, but she is on the home improvement kick lately.  Yep, I’m walking a thin line myself around the house.  Ladders are not my friends.  BTW, if you blow a fuse it can be replaced.  Well, some of them can.  Pretending to blow several fuses is a valid option.  G, I’m not laughing at you, just a feeble attempt to evoke a smile from a good friend.  BTW, Patty does have a couple of fairly recent posts.  Check ’em’ out.  Think you’ll see another woman under duress that was not of her choosing.  Redneck out.

  12. Well Gail, it may not have been touchy-feely, but it definitely wasn’t as difficult for me to read as it probably was for you to write it.
    It sounds to me like you got a lot going on in your life.  I haven’t had an opportunity to catch up on all of your entries, but I know you are a truly compassionate person who has a tremendous amount of faith.  You’ll get through this and do the right thing even if you don’t know what it is yet.
    For some reason my programs running about as fast as a snail, so I apologize if this doesn’t make sense and it missed a certain which I probably dictated.  I found one that was missing, I’m sure there are others.Take care and keep swinging for the fence.BPPS I won’t be around for a while.  I’m going into the hospital for caregiver respite.  I should be back by the Tuesday after next.

  13. hey Gail I am sure this was not an easy blog entry to write.  Hopefully the writing of it was cathartic for you.  of course I will keep you and yours in my prayers

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